Meandering Thoughts from a Therapist

Why self-care is only half the story

The phrase “self-care” makes me cringe a little because this once encouraging phrase seems to have gotten consumed by capitalism, Gwenyth Paltrow(see her show on Netflix), and has, sometimes, become a weapon to shame others or shame yourself. Do we need to take care of ourselves? Absolutely yes! Do we live an a vacuum void of external stressors and supports? Absolutely no! Self-care is only a half truth and here’s why, we need community care and we need the systems we live within to be caring. Let me break this down a little.

1) We need community care:

I can work out, eat food that feels good to my body, go to therapy, get 8 hours of sleep, take vitamins, etc. and this is all good and necessary. However, I need relationships. I need friends or a partner(or partners for those non-monogamous folks) or family who also care for me and who I care for as well. Sometimes doing all the things to take care of myself isn’t enough and that’s when we need a loved one to show up and say “I got you”, which could include watching a silly movie and laughing, have a glass of your favorite whiskey, or going for a walk and having a vulnerable(and strong) conversation about the week you’ve had and how it feels impossible to do another day. We need a therapist we can see who believes in us, pushes us, slows us down, and is committed to our healing. Sometimes, we need a faith community that helps us believe in a higher power or a greater story or, simply, that we aren’t alone. An individual caring for themselves in isolation isn’t enough.

2) We need the systems we live within to be caring

There’s a lot of vitriol in the U.S. culture right now, it’s sometimes down right hateful. Immigrants are scared they will be deported. LGBTQ folks are worried their rights will be taken away. Students are worried about their safety and having to practice “active shooter” drills. The systems we live within are shaky at best and oppressive at worst. When individuals are worried about their safety or their inalienable rights or their status as a citizen, we can’t shout “self care” at them…it isn’t kind and it isn’t whole. If you think about your psych 101 class and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, at the very bottom is “physiological needs” and about that “safety needs”. If an individual is worried about their next meal or isn’t feeling safe in school, they actually can’t(from a neurobiological standpoint)